Adolescence, Lenience, Nurturance

Yes, you need nonviolently to discipline your kids, provide sufficient structure, and equip them for the ways of a harsh world. But don’t forget that you’re also the secure base for them, from which they must venture out to make their trial runs at leaving the nest, returning for safety and comfort. They have to rebel; it’s a developmentally appropriate step toward leaving home. While this rebellion happens, a part of each kid still yearns for connection to the parent and closeness. Add to this the sober reflection that, from an adult’s perspective, this period (roughly 11 to 17) will fly by despite its considerable difficulties. This is your last chance to determine how their emotional template for future relationships gets laid down, how they feel about you, and how they remember your life together. When they transgress, unless there is a safety issue it may be best “not to punish, but to instruct” (Plato, Apology, 26a), and decide that although justice, scorekeeping, and “there have to be consequences” may be important, the later it gets the less important those become, till at some point the cord snaps, they’re off to college or Iraq. It matters much less from then on what your notions of fairness are. Nobody’s perfect; from time to time, every parent needs a reminder that  the emotional tone of the relationship and the kid’s experience of it is at least as important as raising a good citizen or a tough guy. The nurturance is not the only important thing, but it’s the most important thing.