Call it What You Will

There are times when we yearn to move forward, but something prevents us—whether there are no real obstacles outside or plenty of them, we sense that what’s really holding us back is an internal obstacle: a conflict within.

failure to launch

In young people, stuckness is usually called “failure to launch.” The phrase can be mis-applied to happy-enough adults who still live with their original family but have achieved differentiation. Then there are those who seem outwardly very independent & successful, but feel captive to their parent(s)’ directives or values. Most people have a broadly uneven mix, where they feel mature in some areas & perhaps left behind or struggling in others.

Happiness is not amusement, wrote Aristotle, it is good activity. Sometimes life feels like a pendulum that swings between distraction & despair, stimulation & numbness, pleasure & anxiety. Aristotle is onto something, but the one who must define “good activity” is you. Therapy can help you find what you feel is the good-enough use of your energy & time, so your anxiety dissolves.

work inhibition

I do not believe in “laziness.” Instead, I think most people yearn to work, but sometimes internal conflict prevents them from doing so. Freud “discovered” what poets had long known: that the self has parts, and like the Greek gods or the members of any other family, these can be in conflict. But conflict can be resolved, as in a couple or a family, by open talk.

For example Hamlet, the most immobilized & conflicted figure in literature, is not crazy; part of him wants justice, & another part wants peace. The solution came when he was able, with a little help, to change what success meant to him. One of our goals will be to build timely self-knowledge that can equip you to believe in your choices enough to pursue them.

fear of success

Fear of failure is common enough. But why fear success? Don’t you want it? Yes, but you might also fear success, with all that it might bring. What are some questions that your unconscious (inner child) might have about it all?

• If I succeed, will it arouse other people’s envy & retaliation?

• Or might my success intimidate & crush them?

• If I become well-known, will I be “cancelled” for some unforeseen mistake?

• If I succeed, will I recognize myself in the mirror?

• Will I be alone with my success, perhaps resented & shunned?

• If I can meet my own needs, will it mean nobody ever helps me again ?

The answers are usually very different from what our fears predict. Success may be more safe than it seems—and it is usually safer than the alternatives, though it may not seem so.

career choice

Whether you’re a young person looking for a role in the world, or someone in midlife reckoning with major changes, we can sort out what kind of work you desire, and try to detect the relevant opportunities. What’s needed is enough money & enough meaning, either in a single job or a set of responsibilities. I can help you keep your creative life alive on the margins; help to shift it toward the center; or help you choose which pursuits to let go & which to enhance.

While I am not a career counselor, I am a living witness to the reasonableness of changing careers in midlife. I was a professor of English; now I’m a psychoanalyst. Both require long years of study & apprenticeship, but I did it—with support, including psychotherapy. It helps to have a weekly commitment to an empathic conversation about your life.

Do you feel stuck? Contact me for a free conversation about scheduling a therapy session, at 917-873-0292.